Today is anatomy scan day. We get to see legs and arms and little face and hopefully what gender our little squish is. If I am being honest, I thought I would be more excited.

Let me clarify a little. I have had major anxiety about the sex lately, about worrying that Andrew will be disappointed (he won’t be, at all) and I have had on my mind for days now something that I thought would be worth writing about.

Squish, I hope I am enough for you. I hope the life we give you is enough.

I had this picture of how life would be when we got pregnant. I had it in my mind about all the people I love so much loving this little bundle from day one. I pictured best friends that I considered family to be aunts and uncles. I assumed that our kiddo would have cousins, both blood and not.

I thought that there would be so much family on both our sides that we were never short an invitation to holidays or for visits and our kiddo would be surrounded by people come the fun birthday parties.

Alas, this concept all feels like fantasy now.

We don’t have a lot of people in our life, not to say the ones we do have aren’t of the BEST quality though. I have friends that are basically all, what feels like, a million miles away. We have some family who are at a distance and show no interest in the fact we are expecting. We have friends that have drifted that we miss dearly but realize won’t be present in our lives any longer. I am so lucky to have the little family I do because they give more love than I could ever ask for but I just constantly feel like Squish deserves so much more.

It has been so hard to question myself as a parent before I even have a little nose to kiss or tears to wipe away.

 

Squish,

I hope I can be everything I strive to be for you.

I hope that although I am at fault, or at least blamed, for the distance of a lot of potential people in your life that our love will keep you going. I hope that the people who love us and continue to support us from near and far are empowering and loving and become a part of your heart no matter how far they may be. I hope that our silly jokes and love of all things Disney and weird dance parties make you look back at us with fond memory when we are long gone. I hope so much for you but most of all I hope that every day you feel loved enough. I hope you don’t grow feeling like something or someone is missing from your existence. I hope that despite my flaws, I can be someone you respect.

We promise to be open and honest with you about people who come and go or who are missing from your life. Know that all choices on our part have been done out of love and with your best interest at heart. We will love whoever you are, whatever {non harmful} lifestyle choices you make and we will be doing our best from day one to be our best selves because of, and for, you.

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