“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”
We live in a world where it is easier to be honest with one another because we don’t have to watch a persons face when you hit them with something painful because of our separation of space and a screen. This is both a blessing and a curse.
I sincerely believe that just like respect is earned, so is trust and forgiveness. I have a tendency to open my heart too fast in some cases and in others I keep a wall up to people who have the capability of being respectful of my thoughts and feelings. I have been working on my ability to make friends and not expect the worst from people because of people in my rear view.
I had a dear friend recently comment on my level of self-awareness. She wasn’t wrong, I am incredibly aware of my anxieties and flaws and often the pain that they stem from. I know my abandonment issues stem from my biological father. I know the people in my life who have impacted my level of trust and how I got to be who I am. I know certain moments in my past where my self-worth has been compromised because of the power I allowed someone’s words to have over me. Self awareness doesn’t equal stability however. I am constantly learning to grow and trust and learning hard lessons from people who continuously hurt me as well. I wish I could say now that because I am an adult I can always respond logically and not emotionally but this isn’t the case.
I am not always apologetic for this though. I have learned over time what my flaws are but I have also grown into a woman who knows when to not question her worth when trigger words are spewed from different people. Often people lash out in their own moments of pain and say things they regret but I have found over the years that I have been calm and collected in how I respond to situations that need me to take care in my response versus a lash out in return. I have said things I regret but I also have said things that have made my heart lighter and as time goes on I can easily take responsibility for the moments I know I was the one who messed up. If an argument arises between Andrew and myself, I am getting better about knowing when one of us needs space and when to stay and each take responsibility and iron it out.
I know you can’t please everyone in every situation. I know that I have in the past trusted the wrong people who I thought I could relate to but in turn silently resent me for topics discussed without confrontation. I have learned over time who in my life is unable to have a conversation with me directly about their issues and as I heal from my own scars I realize I shouldn’t hold on to anger towards people who don’t have the same ability to communicate in difficult situations that I find myself more comfortable in. I accept that I am flawed and by no means do I consider myself to be superior in situations, that being said, I also think I can recognize when situations call for confrontation and when they don’t. I am proud of my ability to not stay silent when I am hurting or feel like silence will not have any benefit.
Andrew and I have discussed this at length over our relationship because I am significantly more confrontational than he is, depending on the situation of course. When someone I love is hurt somehow my likelihood of anger is heightened ten fold. I try to be respectful and reasonable in the ways I interact with people but sometimes, I don’t take the best approach and if that is the case I’ll apologize if needed. Since being pregnant I have absolutely noticed a heightened sense of “mama bear” response when hurt is involved especially with Andrew.
We have grown so much together and faced a lot. When we first became friends we were incredibly broken people and I think that is how we became best friends who fell incredibly in love in what feels like no time at all. I can’t believe that we have been together almost 4 years, I think back to 2013 and can hardly recognize those kids.
I have an incredible amount of respect for my husband, especially in how he has been able to become the man he always wanted to be because he wanted to be this man for our children. So many life changes in the last little while that as stressful as they can be, just make me love him more. We have a dynamic where we are best friends first, open books. He has taught me so much and I am proud of the woman he has allowed me to become, even if the approval of who I am isn’t popular opinion. I have a tendency to dwell on the opinions of people who don’t care versus celebrating those who do and that’s what I am trying to find a way to change my focus on.
I am broken and I am learning and I know that. I am working on allowing love and attempting to trust people although it has hurt me so many times in the past to open my heart to people, both friends and family. I also know when a relationship is not worth the effort or worth compromising my heart and values for. It seems like this has come up on multiple occasions in the last couple months and I have had to do a lot of self and relationship evaluation with people and I think it can be directly tied to my self-worth dwindling to a point recently. If I wasn’t struggling already, things like name calling and being told I am not good enough would be incredibly painful but I realize that none of that has value to the person I am and the person I have fought to become over the years.
I have said so many hurtful things to myself in the past I need to remember that if people are making an attempt to hurt me it isn’t about me. I suppose I started writing all of this as a self-reflection exercise in where my mind was at after conversations with Andrew lately and some friends of mine. Thank you to those who have been so supportive and caring while I have been struggling with myself, I know this version of me isn’t as easy to love but know that I am trying.
I will continue to blog as an outlet and I apologize if it is more negative than expected because that basically sums up how I have been this year. I am stripping it down to bare bones and slowly making myself reflect and love each nook and cranny of who I am.
“Some people are born with tornadoes in their lives,
but constellations in their eyes.
Other people are born with stars at their feet,
but their souls are lost at sea.”
-Nikita Gill, Perspectives.