If I said things have been okay since my last post, I would be lying.
I would love to say that I have been just so busy with all the best things in life to blog but truth is I have felt like an impostor in my own body and mind for some time and didn’t know what to say.
Pregnancy is amazing. I am growing a life, but I am also an anxious mess about it and the body I am living in.
I have less of a support system than I imagined for myself if I’m being honest. We live in a place that is limited in people I can lean on other than my poor husband. I have long distance friends but some days that is tough to feel connected. My personal relationships have dwindled over time and I can’t help but let my anxiety take over and tell me that I am consistently the only possible problem. In those relationships I have trouble letting go, even if it was my choice.
Mental health is hard enough without an influx of hormones making depression worse when you least expect it. It’s hard enough to maintain friendships and family relationships without emotions that are hard to explain when having a good day. Anxiety and Depression suck even when you have some control over them, especially with consistent attempts of guilt trips and manipulation from people who you continue to ask to simply respect boundaries.
Like I said, things haven’t been all rainbows. However, this blog wasn’t meant to just highlight good stuff and I talk myself out of posting and being vulnerable every time I have considered it lately and that’s not fair to me or anyone who enjoyed them before.
One thing that has been really hard to manage is my self-worth. Some things have happened (I won’t include details of stuff like this if it involves anyone other than Andrew and myself) that brought it back down a few notches and it feels like the hits keep coming, even if they are just small jabs. My body feels foreign to me but not in a glowing beautiful pregnancy way, more like in a “I struggled with my weight and mind before pregnancy now this shit?” kind of way. I know my weight isn’t my worth and that’s a big part of the problem. My self-esteem has struggled to be maintained because of my body issues paired with the feelings of inadequacy in other capacities. I feel stuck in an “I can’t win” loop right now.
It’s really been a testament to the amazing man Andrew is while I struggle and learn as I go how to navigate new twists and turns to our life changes. He is my constant and he really deserves to be recognized in any blog post like this because he is permanently my light in the dark. I have had anxiety for more than half my life about people leaving, I don’t trust most people to choose to stay in my life and as I have grown to not keep toxic people in my life, I still have the lingering feeling that anyone and everyone has (and will use) the capability to leave me whenever they so choose, except Andrew. He shows me constantly that his love has only continued to grow and that him being my husband and best friend won’t be changing anytime soon.
That being said, I can’t rely on one person to build me up when I am struggling to maintain how he makes me feel. I have to spend time on self-care that results in self-love, I have debated developing a sort of “self-worth boot camp” program of some kind and even if I never share it with anyone else I should be putting that time and effort into rebuilding myself from where I am. I feel deeply and I hurt just the same, if I spent half as much time building myself up as I do allowing myself to dwell on pain and feel low, I would be a changed woman.
Hence the current blogging. I want to sort through my negative feelings to try to help myself move on from them because recently I have been holding onto a lot of anger and sadness and that’s the last thing this baby needs me to be doing. I know how likely I am to experience PPD and allowing it to creep in before birth without trying to combat it, isn’t fair to any part of me or my family.
This is a lot of rambling but know that it is also a lot of me forcing myself to not just face my feelings but to also put them out in the world so I can’t just cram them back down when they get to me next. I am opening back up, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable and honest and air out the good and the bad as it comes so that I may conquer the weight that has been getting comfortable on my shoulders.