So let’s get caught up shall we?

Today marks 10w5d preggo! Baby Berry is currently the size of a Lego man!

We met with our midwife for the first time yesterday and as appointments come and go it’s amazing that this is really getting real. Being honest, it has been really hard for me to get into excitement mode because anxiety mode has taken over for the last 6 weeks or so.

I have still been lucky enough to not have any nausea/morning sickness or really a whole lot of symptoms *knock on wood* so mostly I have fought with exhaustion and some acne and bloating but other than that, not a whole lot to report compared to what so many pregnant women have to go through while growing a tiny human. So overall that is awesome, BUT, when you are constantly expecting to feel terrible it’s hard to not start to worry about baby’s health. I have had reassurance that baby is fine and well but this is kinda the motherhood thing isn’t it? Constant worry and doubt..

So let’s talk about what this blog started as, body positivity. I am growing a person! So you know what this means? weight gain! I had the best intentions in the beginning while I was eating well and working out pretty regularly but as a few weeks went by the fatigue set in a lot faster and stronger than I had anticipated. So did the food aversions. I am not entirely turned off most things (with the exceptions of eggs and certain textures of meat) but I also am often “momentarily” turned off by things. Example? I make something for dinner or Andrew cooks for me and the second the food is in front of me I am overwhelmed by dislike of that food in that moment. There are a few things that have remained easy for me to eat (fruit esp huzzah!) but as my energy comes back I am also trying to get my workouts in and eventually I am hoping I can eat more veggies again. So what did all this mean for me? It meant a lot of adjusting to my body. I was in a place of acceptance when that second line showed up on that stick and as I have adjusted to less strenuous exercise and eating differently as the days have gone by.

Saying I feel 100% comfortable would be a lie but I am a little more forgiving on myself even on my worst days because I know this isn’t all about me right now. Maybe I am soft and maybe I am too tired to work out the way I was before but I am trying. I am trying to be conscious enough with my health to feel good about the tiny human I am growing.

I am incredibly likely to suffer with postpartum depression when the time comes and that is something I know I need to focus on sooner than later to allow myself to have not only a strong and healthy support system but also to have coping mechanisms that will be able to be helpful for me when the time comes. There are so many things to be anxious about in pregnancy and basically every day after the baby is born. For those telling me to enjoy every minute please understand that although I am stressed I am excited. My anxiety doesn’t allow me to have just a blind excitement for everything that is happening and will happen because my body currently doesn’t feel like my own. For those who haven’t been pregnant, it is easily comparable to a hangover feeling in a lot of ways. So being completely honest, this is exciting but also super scary and I am pretty open about both ends of that for me. I am allowed to acknowledge when being pregnant makes me feel like shit, however, I also am allowed to be completely silent in my moments of pure joy.

There are moments right now that have made this tougher than it needs to be, people especially who have made this more stressful than necessary. We are coping but please take into consideration (not just me) but the questions you ask pregnant women, the unsolicited advice being given, the responses you give after questions about birth plan etc. are given, the potential stress you can be putting on one or both parents.

I cannot stress that last one enough. Try to not say “oh just wait until the baby comes!” in a negative way. If I am tired, let me be tired please do not remind me how tired I will be for the next years of my life. Don’t tell me how expensive things get or how stressful things can be, because trust me I get that. I think about it constantly and if anything need to be reminded more of all the fun stuff. Our whole lives are changing, I just don’t want it to feel like a rain cloud with the way some people talk about having a baby.