Before I got pregnant my emotions were hard to handle as it is. Now? Shit.
It’s early but I’m definitely emotional and anxious and tired and a million other things at any given time.
I find though that the end of some days I have a more overwhelming emotion that just silences the others; sometimes that is good and sometimes it can be shit.
Today? Today I am scared. I doubt myself as a woman and as a wife and a friend and an eventual mother. Am I eating good enough? Should I be sucking up my exhaustion to work out to be as healthy as possible? Am I being enough of a wife to my incredible husband and not stretching him thin?
My fear is something I’m sure most people experience as the task of parenthood becomes a reality with each passing day. My joy watching baby giggle videos and looking at little Disney PJs fades with the waves of fear. The squees of excitement over talks with Andrew are followed by a sinking feeling in my gut.
To clarify, it is only a fear of myself. A fear of my own ability to parent and love adequately while also being a wife and a daughter and a friend. A fear of being ready, a fear of my mental health being in a stable enough place to not be scarring to my eventual child’s self-worth. Of course nerves are normal, I’m sure most of this fear and uncertainty is but it doesn’t make it any less impactful for me in this moment.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of things run through my mind in regards to this family we are creating. I have days of joy and excitement, I have anxiety about money and our home, I have days of fear of anything happening to our child that will break my husbands heart. I remember when we started talking about the reality of starting a family one of the things I was MOST excited for was the reveal. The reveal to Andrew, the reveal to my parents, it was the highlight of me getting pregnant that could wipe that fear from my mind. Now? now those moments are done so the fear sits on my chest.
I wanted to make sure I was open and honest for my blog, for the few people who check in on my scattered thoughts about shit in my life. This is a part of being open, I am SCARED. I have come such a long way in my life in so many ways that I am proud of but, am I healed enough to possibly have a daughter? a daughter who will be surrounded by everything that made me struggle but have it magnified as technology advances?
Am I strong enough to have a strong-willed but possibly shy and awkward son?
Will I love enough?
I understand that most women are their harshest critics and I am not exempt from that, obviously, I feel like I am on a whole new level of relating to women both in good and bad ways. It is scary as shit to be a woman and we will forever be scrutinised for a long list of things but why do we add so much onto the list for ourselves?
Why is it that maybe while others are asking themselves if I will be enough as a parent, why am I struggling to get through a day without also putting that pressure on myself and dwelling on it? I know that self exploration can be an incredible tool but I can’t help but wonder that I am not self-evaluating in any capacity, I am only self doubting.
I am trying to talk myself through these thoughts while I write this. I am trying to remember the self talk and self-love I spent so much time teaching myself shouldn’t just be void because I am growing a tiny human.
It has been hard to be in my own corner but the more I recognize my fears I hope that I can recognize my strengths and my sources of joy and allow myself to just enjoy parts of my life no matter how stressful I can make them in my mind, it doesn’t mean they should be less joyful.
Breathe. Be excited. Watch puppy and baby videos. Repeat.