Today I was an idiot. I mean I do stupid shit all the time but today I made a moronic decision that helped me in no way, if anything it ruined some progress.

Today I stepped on the scale, again. I weigh myself pretty sporadically and a lot of the time now it doesn’t matter, that number looking back at me isn’t my self-worth or progress or indication of how I LOOK but today, today it shattered me a little.

I woke up this morning feeling good. I felt rested and calm and content. I looked in the mirror and had nothing but appreciation for my softness. I felt a wave of acceptance this morning at how I looked to start the day. I then let curiosity get the best of me as to what I weigh because I feel like I look thinner and less bloated. Curiosity lead me to a wave of sadness to realize that not only did I not lose weight but I gained a little. Today I am 202lbs despite impeccable water intake, adequate exercise routine and protein intake and an immense cut down on emotional eating and unnecessary snacking.

Recently I weighed in and had finally pushed into the 200 zone, I mean it was 200.8lbs but yeah, that’s unfamiliar territory for me. I have never been 200lbs knowingly in my life before this month. When I started my weight loss journey a few years ago that resulted in 69lbs lost, I was 193 at the heaviest weight that I knew of. That weigh in was in 2011 before I went to Mexico for a few weeks for school, where I got really sick and came home at around 177 or so? I remember I lost around 15lbs ish. That was the weight I really started working out at.

Imagine being afraid of the ocean, as you just start to get comfortable with the water being at your waist and seeing fish at your feet all of a sudden you are treading water and below you, you see nothing but black. That was how I felt when I finally had tipped over to 200. {Please don’t take any of this as criticism from me for that (or any) specific weight because I am a firm believer that weight does not equal worth but this is my personal thought process we are running through here.} I felt as though I no longer knew who I was or what I was doing. Somehow that 1 changing to a 2 really made me question my abilities. It’s like anything I believed I could do in the world of fitness or body positivity changed when the number did.

When I was at my heaviest last I never really exercised, if I did it was short and with minimal effort. My body looks different now than it did at that weight years ago. The less I workout the more I’m sure that muscle mass is going away but there is still something to be said about all the weight training I’ve done before the gain. I also ate like garbage pretty consistently and I was unaware of things my body needed and didn’t need a surplus of so this feels like some sort of defeat on several levels.

I am educated now, I can help others lose weight or become more athletic etc. basically I know how to change how your body looks and works but I wasn’t implementing any of it to myself. I know that part of that was knowing that I would be doing it for the wrong reasons if I did it at certain points in my life. When I left my office job I was certain I would lose weight, not gain. I went through a lot of adjustments where I KNOW what I did wrong and what has contributed but it is so easy to convince ourselves that the weight will come off as easy as it was put on. I went on medication that was going to help my anxiety and my mood, ideally my emotional eating…but somewhere along the way it allowed me to be comfortable in who I am to the point of allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted and labeling that self-care.

Part of the point of this blog was to rant and to channel my emotions versus allowing myself to have a random irrational breakdown about like 2lbs; which could easily be some water and a shit *shrug* who knows. I also wanted to shed some light on how hard self acceptance can really be. When I pulled out that scale today I was sure that the number wouldn’t bother me no matter what, that my weight number’s ability to control me and my emotions was gone. I was WRONG. I still have days where I believe my value would increase with me losing weight. I would be a better wife, friend, role model, writer, anything and everything, if I looked a bit better in shorts. I would be a better pregnant person eventually if I lost a bunch of weight right now.

I am valuable no matter my weight (and so are you!) That is a hell of a lot easier to say than to consistently believe. I’ve had a LOT of good days lately, with hiccups of course, but overall I can say that things have been good. I wanted so badly to come into the world of body positivity and just be happy, no matter what; Be inspiring and helpful. That idea is bullshit. Lucky for me many of the BOPO warriors I follow show the good and bad days to know that I am not alone in struggling to love myself every day. Truth is I don’t want to lose weight to hit a certain number or to fit into certain clothes because I realize how my health has changed and that’s the part I want back. I want to know I am treating my body well while I appreciate it and you know, live in it and stuff. I want that control back, over food and over that scary number.

Although I can’t help feeling defeated today I will not let it be ruined. I will make my eggs and chicken sausage for breakfast, I will have lots of water and long walks with our puppy and I will be creative somehow and I will probably work out too. I will go on with my life because fact is, weight gain or not, it isn’t over. Being consistent is key to me changing my lifestyle which will probably result in weight loss but isn’t really the ultimate goal. Today I will acknowledge my feelings of defeat and frustration and I will understand them but I will also allow myself to learn from them to try to help not experience them again.

I will put the scale away, if I’m feeling good who cares what I weigh? I am being a hypocrite in standing on that scale at all considering I always recommend getting rid of it to anyone who reaches out to me. I have a good life and I have a body, the specific weight of that body doesn’t need to ruin that good life.

202lbs of water-colour loving, potty mouthed, corgi obsessing, Disney fanatic, exceptional nerd girl.