Here it goes; my white flag is waving and today I admit defeat. I need help.
This is not something I say lightly.
Today should have been a joyous occasion, I am finally legally Jodie Leigh Berry. I let go of that last part of my sperm donor and became Andrew’s wife in every way I can basically.
Instead today, like many others lately, was clouded by the blues. I finally broke a little and tearfully talked to Andrew about how I’ve been feeling. I told him how the cabin fever has been kicking in and the loneliness has been really taking over for the last little while. My guilt has also been at a higher level as of late because I’ve been solely depending on him to fill the voids and cure the loneliness and to help with my ongoing boredom.
I am grateful to be at home, I’m so lucky to have his support to chase my dreams even if I’m having a rough time chasing anything right now. I hate when people say “well it could be worse” but I constantly know this applies to our life but it doesn’t make things easier sometimes.
The other day I had an infuriating moment, I wont list specifics but chances are if you think you know what this is about, you’re right. This moment was uncalled for, manipulative and inconsiderate and just had me seething for a while. I’ve been able to move past it but it’s just amazing how people can be sometimes isn’t it? *inset eye roll* ah well.
The point of me mentioning this is realizing that my boredom keeps me dwelling on things more and more so the fact that I was able to let it go made me feel better about where I am some days. They won’t all be perfect, hell, some of them won’t even be good but I am growing even in the middle of these bad days. Problem is, any of these bad days fall onto Andrew and he has his own bad days to deal with sometimes.
Where I’m struggling to grow is my ability to reach out to people when I need to talk. My ability to ask people for help getting through bad days or asking for company on rough days is non-existent most of the time. So this is where I’m finally letting myself feel defeat, I want to take some pressure off my poor amazing husband for my companionship and I ask for any friends that can spare Skype or visit time, even an email pen pal if that works better, I would love to have more of you in my life. I would love to be a listening ear on your bad days. I am always available to chat about self-love and body positivity or just have a total bitch-fest about your ex if you need it. I’m not asking so I can have entertainment I’m mostly asking to know I’m not alone. I’m asking for those who need companionship and an outlet to reach out because I sure know I need it pretty regularly.
Making friends and maintaining friendships as adults can be hard shit, I’m here to admit I’ve been shitty at it and if you’re shitty at it too I would love to be shitty together.