The nights like this are hard for me. I can’t really describe it with specific terms so much as I can just describe my own level of blue. My anxiety was so bad when I was diagnosed that I think we overlooked the discussion of depression being a factor too. As I settle into my happy little life I find, like my husband, sometimes I am numb. I am not unhappy, I am not angry or focusing on a specific event. Instead I am somewhat cold and zombified and feeling lost in my own home, in my own mind.
We recently cleaned the entire house and it looks amazing and feels so good to have that organization in basically every room with the exception of minor things in my office needing to be done. Andrew sorted and cleaned and rearranged our entire kitchen recently and that task was something I just plain avoided for a while. On my good days I am so comfortable and content in our space, but on my bad days? I sit most often in my office against Grampa’s chair and listen to traffic or try to distract myself on my phone or play with the rabbit. My office is full of books and craft supplies and things I love on the walls, it’s a wonderful space but sometimes it just brings me no joy.
Andrew of all people can understand this feeling but that doesn’t ease my mind in the moment. I don’t just reach out to him and tell him that my feelings are low and my desire to talk is nul because what could he do? Nada. The other problem
I have in these moments is that because I have them less frequently I feel more lost when they hit, like I’m not depressed enough to have depression. Stupid right?
My lows feel mostly manageable and they’re not sparked by anything specific; they just drain me. I have so much to offer the world, this I know, but in those specific numb moments I lose all motivation, creativity and drive. I clock out, I sit and stare and often I’m mindlessly checking things on my phone I don’t give a shit about. I have people in my life I could talk to even if Andrew wasn’t around, but problem is, I don’t want to talk; I just want it to pass. I want the fire in me lit as soon as I become dull, I want to be everything I dream I can be while I’m half asleep on our couch watching the fourth SVU episode in a row from 2003. I want more from myself because I know it’s in there, I want my body to respond to my mind thinking “hey lazy ass you know we could be studying or blogging or creating stuff right now? Don’t stress about money if you aren’t trying to make some this instant!” my mind is a miraculous but occasionally cruel place.
I feel like I have a lot of goals for this year and so much I have planned to be excited about and when that excitement is just something that seems like an eye roll of a pipe dream well, that’s what moments like this are.
I’m logical, I think annoyingly so sometimes. I’m not specifically a pessimist or an optimist I am like a pessirealist 89% of the time. That 11% is just optimism about food let’s be honest. My logic tells me how far I have to go to reach my goals, my logic tells me how scary money can be and that even when I’m doing something I enjoy, I should regret it because we can’t afford it. I think I have (and mostly always will have) the mentality that the sky is falling about money even if we are totally fine, which we are. I understand that’s my anxiety. That’s the difference between these low moments and my anxious ones. I can easily understand the root of my anxiety in the majority of moments, or as I also do, I find something to blame so I feel a little less anxious until it passes all together.
I’ve been really amazed at the people reaching out to me about my blog since I started, mostly about my bravery with talking about my weight or mental health. (This doesn’t feel like bravery, it feels like a whole lot of selfishly talking about myself.) Let me tell you something, mental health feels a hell of a lot less scary when you know you aren’t alone. Suicide seems less tempting when someone is telling you that you matter and talking you off that ledge right? It’s the same with anxiety for me. To know that there are so many other people out there who struggle the way I do and that I’m not just being dramatic, I in fact have a deeper reason for being such a panic stricken asshole sometimes and other people do the same thing. These numb moments? My husband knows the feeling so well I know that for as long as we live we have each other to understand everything to the best of our ability to be support for one another.
My numbness passes but knowing there are people who suffer with me and like me out there keeps me going and fighting because if they can do it I can do it and maybe someday I can help those who struggle to push through whatever bad days they’re having. My life is full of light and I try to remember that on the days that are dark and grey, the sunshine isn’t gone forever.
But tonight, there isn’t sun…Maybe tomorrow.