I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell.
Belle really gets me on a spiritual level.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all my hopes and dreams (duh who doesn’t) but trying to figure out a way that I can achieve them while being a contributor to our household and doing all the things that I have my heart set on.
Let me paint you a picture of the version of myself I want to be..
I love being a trainer, I would love to have a big enough client base to not have too much empty space in my schedule while I’m at the gym. I love the idea of running a support group, a boot camp, programs and classes all about self-love. I want to run a body positivity t-shirt line that involves kids and adults in the designing process and being able to make enough money to donate to something I strongly believe in. Down the road I would love to be a speaker of some kind, maybe in schools and maybe eventually write a book. I can’t wait to be a mom and have more animals and a veggie garden. My husband and I are currently researching our options to build our own home. This life that I dream of just seems millions of miles away sometimes.
If you don’t already know, I quit my well-paying office job to pursue my dreams. Being totally honest there are days I regret it purely from a financial point of view. I worked with some great people and the work was not incredibly challenging but there was something missing. There was something draining about waking up each day while it was pitch black to go to work where I would experience a lot of anxiety about not wanting to spend my life at a desk.
Currently I’m finding myself being overwhelmed by figuring out where to start building my “brand” and also how to fund it. Money is one of my biggest anxiety trigger points so it’s a struggle for me to have big dreams and to not have the funds to launch them full force.
Well that was a long-winded way to get to my point, it’s really scary to invest in yourself and believe in yourself and I’ve added this on top of learning to love who I am and my body. I’ve talked a lot about learning to love flaws and embracing bodies at every stage but I haven’t really talked about the low points of learning to be happy with EVERYTHING.
I have days where I feel guilty for leaving my old job, I regret jumping in with both feet into a whole new path, I feel like a burden to my husband and I let all the negativity take over. I resent things about my current job, I stress extensively about money and responsibility, constantly feeling like I “should” be doing certain things in my spare time and beat myself up about not furthering my career every second of every day. I used to channel these negative tendencies to my body.
I would feel guilty for every bad meal, every skipped workout, every “wasted” day. I basically felt guilty for enjoying my life occasionally. It’s taken a lot of work to stop punishing myself for doing things that make me happy, whether it be food or spending a day watching too much Parenthood. I realize that some of those tendencies are gone but then again, some of them have just transferred over to different parts of my life. I am acknowledging my inability to just enjoy things like the growth of my blog because I am consistently worrying about everything I am doing being profitable; bottom line everyone starts somewhere and I need to settle into that.
So I have learned self-love, to a point. I have learned to enjoy certain things in my life but I have also come to realize that I am still living in a lot of negative mindset moments. I am struggling to be consistent in just enjoying my life for what it is.
Do you find yourself doing the same thing? Are you not letting yourself enjoy your life just as it is, wishing the days away to when things are more as you imagine they “should” be? Life can be tough but let’s be honest, never celebrating the good stuff means that life will always FEEL tough. If you feel like you’re not happy with your life because you think it should look a different way, you’re not alone. As we learn to celebrate our bodies, our flaws, ourselves just as we are.. we need to learn to do the same with our lives. Celebrate your marriage or your kids or the roof over your head or your pet, whatever, find something that is awesome. Even if your life is in a really tough place right now, there is always a silver lining.
Look for the good stuff in the day-to-day and realize that all of you is good stuff too. You are you and that’s reason enough to celebrate, don’t forget it!