Today I looked my closet in the face and then tore it apart.

I knew I had old clothes haunting me on the top shelf that I told myself I was only keeping to save money for “when I lost weight” and could fit back into them. The problem with that mentality was that I was struggling to allow myself to buy clothes that actually FIT because I spent the money on those clothes and how hard would it be to fit back into them again, right?

WROOOONNNGGGGG. Basically I would have to border on having an eating disorder again to fit into those size 4 skinny jeans. I had a plethora of jeans I needed when I lost all that weight because I couldn’t pull off my bigger jeans at all, I was at one point a size 14 and I had continuously purged clothes and bought new ones as I shrunk. This left me with only my super skinny clothes unfortunately so while I’m at such a good place mentally, this process has been tough financially. Being bottom heavy for as long as I can remember it shocks me I was ever small enough to fit in some of the clothes I pulled out today just 3 years ago.

I talked about this before that removing toxic things or people from your life can help the process and I can with confidence tell you I was right, today was really freeing. It was amazing to see how I felt trying on some of my old clothes, I used to cry putting jeans on that fit but that just weren’t flattering with my shirt off *eye roll* and looking back on that I didn’t realize just how much I was struggling.

Funny enough in the dark depths of my closet I also found a lot of clothes that I like and I have no idea why I would have put them back there. Some T-shirts that maybe I thought were a bit too tight then that I put on now and they look good so really, how delusional was I a few years ago to think these clothes needed to be in the “too small” pile. Now let me clarify I’m not squeezing into these clothes, I’m just able to see my shape a bit in them so they aren’t skin tight but considering what I used to see and what I see now, I guess that’s the biggest difference.

So this is my pile.

I am letting that version of myself go and stay in the past. Who knows, I could lose 50lbs someday and be close to fitting in them but I like to think that if I lose that much this time around I’ll be more muscular and need to buy bigger jeans anyways. I don’t want to hold onto hope that I will be that version of myself again, I want to embrace the version that I am. I want to be happy with me in this moment and in the present and let go of that part of my past.

This is me realizing I don’t need to be that small to be smart or important or worthy of love. I don’t need to starve myself to feel good or to be a trainer or to have a family. I am worth more than what my BMI says about me and I am capable of so much more than just being a health conscious skeleton of a girl that I was becoming back then.

Being whatever size you want is fine, but, be happy at any size too. I may want to lose some pounds in the future for performance and health reasons but I’m not in a rush and I’m perfectly happy the way I am for the time being. I jiggle and I have stretch marks and cellulite and I love desserts and I wear a bikini when I swim. I may not always feel comfortable but the days that I feel it are a breath of fresh air I sometimes didn’t even realize I needed.

Be skinny, be fat, be in the middle but really just be happy, be you and live your life not revolving around your pant size (I promise it’s awesome.)