I’m struggling as of late.
I have come to realize there are pros and cons to embracing what makes you happy in life. I have been working on my self-love, choosing things that make me happy either to do or wear or eat, whatever. The problem I’m having is all the things that give me anxiety (like promoting myself and money and others) have been sitting as road blocks to my dreams and goals. A few examples?
Social Media – I want to grow my following for this blog and become a presence for no reason other than to share positivity and my future creations with the BOPO community and maybe help a person or two with my words. Problem? I struggle to make the effort to gain followers, to promote myself all over the place because I start to doubt what I’m doing and fear it will get lost somewhere. I also have been slow to be comfortable enough to consistently post vulnerable photos of myself and my writing as a whole and from all the BOPO accounts I follow I know that can be key to sending your positive message effectively.
Money – I want to make shirts, pins and still train clients. The problem is there are start-up costs that we simply don’t have right now. I make jewelry and hand embroider hoops, but only when I enjoy doing it. The problem with doing it sporadically is that I don’t have consistent money coming in from sales. So basically doing the things I love only when they make me happy has been hurting our bank accounts. I have big dreams that we can’t afford right now and I’m not one to ask people for money or to advertise relentlessly when the shirts are actually made etc. I believe in what I’m doing until I don’t, it seems that money brings the anxiety and I let the anxiety win when it comes to money.
Guilt – With money anxiety comes guilt for leaving my exceptional paying government job to chase my dream of being a Personal Trainer. My husband is an amazing man and is the most supportive of this decision and I know he means it when he tells me he would rather have less money than for me to be unhappy in an office setting that amplified my anxiety. I feel guilty for not studying enough, for not having a plethora of high paying clients, for not having a steady number paycheck to bring home every month and for any bad days I experience that he has to pick up the pieces. The realist in me wants me to get a steady job and put this dream stuff on the back burner because we should have more money than we do right now. The dreamer in me says hang on, we will figure this out and it will be so rewarding.
Self Love – Yep, I’ve been struggling with self-love. Part of it is that I feel like my body is failing me because of knee/neck/back pain but I also know that isn’t a reason to not love myself but knowing that some of my pain can be directly correlated to my weight is frustrating. I’ve been buying clothes I feel more comfortable in (see money anxiety, bleh) which helps to a point but I have been extra critical of myself lately without a solid reason. I have some gorgeous friends so I’ve made the rookie mistake of treading in comparison waters, oh, don’t get me started on how I do that with my husband, the guy is a hottie. I appreciate my body and that it functions etc. but I just have my bad days as of late wishing it was different. I will be finishing my thigh tattoo this week and sometimes I find myself wishing my legs were thinner so I could show it off confidently, stupid right?
Motivation – I haven’t worked out much lately, I haven’t been cooking a ton, I haven’t even been superbly on top of my Christmas shopping. I feel like I’m currently half-assing most things I’m doing. I think the guilt and the anxiety and the lack of motivation are just an unfortunate cycle of sorts I keep getting sucked into. I even struggle to read right now if I’m being honest. I’m lucky I have hours specifically dedicated each week to be at the gym or I think I would be lost in the abyss that is show bingeing and snacking.
This isn’t a pity post, please don’t take that from everything I’ve said. I had a few topics I wanted to write about this week but this stood out to me, everything isn’t sunshine in my world and I want you to know you aren’t alone if you feel the same way. We all struggle to a point, whether we are tired parents or lazy students or struggling with our mental health, we all know how it feels to not run at 100%. I am learning to be in a positive place and I am growing as a person but it doesn’t mean that things just all of a sudden got easier. It has taught me resilience for the things I’m passionate about and it has also taught me it’s okay to not be okay and to reach out to people if I need to.
Although some days are just gray, it doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy them too. When I have bad days and I talk to Andrew about it and we decide to get pizza and have a bunch of blankets on the couch and laze about and not worry about chores or anything else other than being comfort to one another, that is my silver lining. A bad day isn’t a bad life and the more time that passes I really understand that more and more. Our family life is perfect and I wouldn’t change it even a little, we are happy and healthy and have so much to look forward to. My life might not be perfect but it’s not something I would trade away, sometimes self-love is just being happy with yourself and your life or putting one foot in front of the other.
Let bad days be bad and find ways to grow from them, whatever you’re facing, you can handle it.