Have you ever had the pleasure of cutting out a toxic person from your life? That overwhelming feeling that they no longer have any say in your life or your attitude. It’s pretty freeing right? Feeling like you’ve taken a part of yourself back from someone who didn’t cherish you as they should. Sometimes it’s a friend, co-worker, significant other or even a family member; whoever it is, it is usually more empowering than anything. It is you taking a step back and saying “NO MORE, I am worth more than how you treat me!” and taking back whatever part of you they held onto.
Often this feeling of freedom and empowerment is accompanied by a level of guilt or second guessing or at least a little doubt. Did you do more harm than good? Did you act irrationally or over react? Do they deserve a second chance? In my experience all the questions that come with doubt lead to the same place, if they were toxic enough to get to this point they will get there again. You did the right thing in removing them from your life and you’ll be better for it. We go through a mourning period sometimes which is only natural, but, as life goes on we realize how easy it is to be a better version of ourselves and that guilt dissipates.
What if that toxic person in your life is you? What if everyone around you is loving and supportive and you’re the one holding yourself back and being toxic to all enjoyable moments in a day? We can’t just walk away from ourselves, we can’t just say “peace out brain I’m off to find someone better” now can we? Well I suppose we sort of could with some self medication but that is not at all recommended.
Since officially being told I have Anxiety it answered a lot of questions but it didn’t make this process any easier for me to learn. When I put on a cute outfit I can spend 10 minutes or more second guessing if I look good enough to be out with my super good-looking husband, and often enough, I change into something else even if I don’t feel any better in it. I would sit at meals and convince myself that I shouldn’t have dessert for whatever reason that would make me feel like my stupid decision was justified (fyi dessert is my favourite so it’s always a stupid decision for me to skip it.) I have talked myself out of going to different events because I figured I would rather be at home. Anytime someone around me is laughing and I don’t know why, chances are I will assume it’s about me and get self-conscious for absolutely no reason.
I’m my own worst enemy, and I’m trying to fight me off. When I have a client training with me I have to try so hard to not feel focused on if my skin is bad, if my tummy rolls some they won’t come back, I doubt my capability as a trainer if they don’t get a move just right the first time. I get waves of panic that my husband will realize what a weirdo he married and will love me less, I worry if my dog is mad at me (yeah I said it, I know, eye roll), I spend more of my day fighting off my brain than anything else but, I think it’s a fight I’m winning more often.
It’s not easy to wake up and realize that you’re just awesome no matter what. I spend a lot of time in my mind talking back to my negative self talk, I tell myself that I have so much to be grateful for etc. On a day where I feel less than worthy, I realize just all the people I have in my life that believe otherwise and I have a cheering section that makes sure I know I’m loved and valued. My husband is incredible; I mean I think a lot of wives believe that but sorry ladies, mine wins at everything. Having a daily support system that loves me so unconditionally is part of the reason I can bring myself to do this blog while I work on myself. Chances are in your life you have some incredible people who support you and love you like crazy yeah? Reach out to them when you need them. If you don’t have someone like that, I’ll be that person for you if you need it.
The sky is not falling. You are beautiful and capable and loved. Find some time each day to enjoy the good in your life, to celebrate who you are and what you’re good at. Self doubt is a shitty monster to have whispering in your ear but chances are you can talk over him, so do it. Leave yourself post it’s if you want, set an alarm each day to write in a journal what you’re grateful for in that moment, call a family member when something awesome happens even if it’s small awesome. Don’t spend your life telling yourself that your life sucks, I did that for a long time and guess what? Life still went on regardless I was just less happy.
It won’t come easy but man, those days that you start to find the rainbow in the rain? You’ll thank yourself for it. Remove the toxic from yourself, chances are that if other people talked to you the way you do, you would kick them to the curb.