A letter to the man in my life we refer to as my sperm donor.
To whom it may concern,
I turned 26 this week, I’m not sure if you’re keeping track or not; there’s a good chance you have to think about it for a minute if someone in your family asked you how old I am now.
I wanted to write this to thank you. As strange as it feels to say that, the more I think about it I don’t think my life would have turned into what it is had you stayed. Thank you for leaving when I was old enough to really understand what happened. Maybe this won’t make sense to most but my reasoning is that my opinion of you is based on my own experience, or lack there of. You can’t blame anyone but yourself in regards to my low opinion of you and your heart.
You left by your own accord, sporadic returns for a short while and then poof, that was the end of you in my life. Guilt has hit you occasionally but if you’re human, it should. You being gone for good helped me heal and helped me move on and left a lot of space to receive the love I deserve.
For years I tried to understand, to cope, to adjust. I spent years, it even still hits me once in a while, that I simply wasn’t worth sticking around for. That shouldn’t have been a surprise right? two other kids you weren’t really involved with, I was smart but I was also stupid. I spent time being stupid and hopeful, listening to promises that wouldn’t be kept and having faith in a man who had no faith in himself.
I got married this year. I got married to a man you would never understand, a man who wouldn’t leave me alone if I had a cold. You hear things about girls with “Daddy Issues” and I guess I lucked out of the stereotype. I married someone completely unlike my biological father that is more excited to have a family than anyone I have ever known. I walked with mom down the aisle and had my dad play guitar while we walked. He surprised me by learning (and singing) “you are so beautiful” and it was everything I could have hoped for.
I am strong and stubborn and loving. I am supportive and silly and I have a relationship with my mom that I wouldn’t give for anything. I have friends that I see and treat as family. I am trying to do good in the world and I am someone you could be proud of; and you can’t take any credit for helping other than ditching us, ditching me. I went to college, I rarely drink, I don’t smoke or do drugs, I make good life decisions. I’m a pretty kick ass person, thank you for staying away to let me become this version of myself.
I spent a period of time wishing you were around, wondering if my life would be better but the older I get I realize that I am lucky that you realized you were unfit to give me the love you didn’t have and split. I have people I love with part-time fathers and I am thankful that after you left I had someone step up and love me that wasn’t obligated to, full-time.
I don’t respect your coward approach and pile of excuses but over time I have come to appreciate the person I am despite your traits. I respect myself enough to sympathize with your approach and know that maybe I had to heal but you will spend your entire life missing out.
I look like mom and I’m strong like her, I’m witty and I appreciate small things. I am worthy of loving myself and accepting the love of the people I surround myself with. She deserves the love she gets now and I am proud of who she is everyday. You made a shitty choice for yourself, but thank you for that being the thing in life you could stick with.
Thank you for leaving me to become who I am today with the help of the people who care about me the most. Thank you for over time accepting that there was no longer room for you in my life. Thank you for realizing that your presence in my life isn’t something I needed to become exceptional.
I turned out okay and if you’re ever wondering; I’m incredibly loved and I hope you find some peace in that, because I sure do.