I was a skinny kid, until I started sitting on my ass in the second half of high school and got into a serious relationship (with a guy and with chicken wings let’s be honest) and then things kinda went in a different direction.
College is to blame for a LOT of people’s weight loss or gain depending on the situation, luckily I wasn’t an avid party animal but that didn’t excuse me from the weight gain like I hoped it might. Nope, i had cafeteria food instead (which is often amazing, so the poutine at Fleming College in peterborough just don’t eat it okay?). So i started gaining weight before moving out and going to school and then once that started the weight gain continued into 2010ish? where i eventually ended up around 190 something pounds, and no, not really any of that was putting on muscle or any good reason it was just gut and late night snacking.
So in 2012 once we had moved to Toronto, I got a personal trainer before starting my new cushy office job later in the same month. I got lucky that my trainer was, and is, an amazing man to work with and in general. I started with a couple of times a week, once I got into the swing of things i started going to the gym on my own some and finally watched what i ate. Problem with “watching what you eat” it can turn into something obsessive and incredibly unhealthy. Macro counting can be so awesome, however, when you are an avid gym goer and doing a fair bit of weight training, eating only 1200 calories and keeping in a daily deficit, you might be miserable with food. There are a lot of bits I’ll skip over through this phase, I learned a ton and eventually went to my trainer less because I felt that eating the way I was and working out the way I was I would be doing okay on my own.
Skipping to the skinny of it (hah) I lost around 66lbs or so.
I was eating spinach, egg whites, protein shakes, rice cakes, salads and chicken mostly each day. It was all prepared as unappealing as they sound. Peanut butter was a treat, that is no way to live for someone who would name her autobiography “do you have anything with peanut butter on it?” so it was a recipe for crash diet results right? yep. I went through a breakup and hung out with my old pal cupcakes.
So this is about Sept 2013, lets queue husband Andrew’s entrance into my life (we were best friends before dating FYI) and he is now a master baker! At the time, he didn’t know how fantastic of a baker he would be BUT he made my now favourite, Monster Cookies. They changed my life and my desire to have visible abs. (Don’t take any of this as me pinning my eventual weight gain on him, I’m just saying he made me realize how much I missed the good stuff.) When you have someone in your life who loves you without boundaries just wholesome supportive love, it changes so much of you. I am so thankful for the love I get daily from him and that my life changed so much when we became friends.
November 2013 we travelled to California and my self-esteem was rough at this point. I wanted to eat everything but I also wanted to be a size 2 in pants forever because i felt so validated being at my goal weight (even though i had very little muscle definition that i wanted because of my food intake). I took the route of eating most things and just kinda feeling bad about it. Fast forward through different misc. details in here, we got engaged a year later at Disney World (guess how i was with food there, hah!) and i was battling self loathing because of my body but also getting so much love from Andrew i started to panic about my appearance because eventually i would be in a wedding dress.
Recap to this point: I was 195ish at my heaviest, i was about 175lbs when i started with my trainer, got myself down to 124lbs and for my current…
I took some time off work, some time off the gym, dealt with a newly diagnosed anxiety issue and gained weight. Some of it is muscle, some of it is fat, I’m basically a chubby weightlifter who naps a lot now..
I got married last month (I can’t believe it’s already been over a month my goodness) and i spent so much time leading up to the wedding (months and months and months) setting goals for how i would look, for the weight i would be, blah blah i wanted to feel beautiful that day. You know what i did? I gained weight and i have never felt more loved or beautiful in my entire life.
My husband loves me no matter what. I know so many people say this but i mean it, he couldn’t care less if i was jiggly or me having a 6 pack because he cares about my heart and my happiness. When i finally started to address my anxiety/depression struggles and live for us and health and actually chase my dreams of being a trainer and a body positive one at that, he was more supportive than i could have ever asked for. I will gush about him later and how he has changed my health entirely but for now, realize that this whole idea is because he loved me for who i am and because i felt like i could do anything (if i am half as awesome as he thinks i am, way to go mom for raising me like this!)
I currently weigh (after just cake for food all day woops) 184lbs with a BF% of somewhere in the low 30s i believe. High school and skinny me would criiiiinge at those numbers, and current me is like dang girl where did all that booty come from?
(FYI you’ll come to expect i can’t take serious face pictures well, after a few attempts this is what happened).
Learning self-love can suck, I can verify this from experience. It is so so worth it but I am learning everyday how to be better, how to be happy. Let me also say it is hard for EVERYONE. Don’t tell me skinny girls have it easier, fat girls who have lost weight have it easier, men have it easier, nope. All the nope. Learning to not only accept ourselves as we are but to embrace it and find pride in it is a SCARY and incredibly intimidating path to choose.
I wish that I had something to turn to that not only wanted to help me into the fitness world but someone who wasn’t shoving goal setting and weight loss etc. down my throat. (even if I was doing it to myself woops). This is where my vision comes in, i want to take a new approach to coaching and being healthy and putting ourselves first. Losing weight will not make you love yourself completely, i wish i had known this fact but hey i learned. It all matters in different ways but you need to find some love for yourself before you expect changes. Everyone needs a framework of belief in themselves with a fallback of support and I want to do this, i want to open trainers eyes to doing this for clients. I want to make all of the shit we put ourselves through just a little less scary.
Small steps my friends, today try to be grateful for all the things your body lets you do, will let you do in the future and how it has gotten you here. Be nice to yourselves, lets show everyone who talks us down how wrong they are.